Not Funny

Here’s a term I created while attending a polo match today:

Job·by (jb)
n. pl. job·bies

An activity that is performed, either in exchange for payment or on a non-profit capacity, in lieu of a regular occupation and approached vicariously, without serious consideration of profit or success.

[Conjunction of job and hobby]

Commonly held by members of upper-class families, jobbies are activities that have all the trappings of a real job including a stated objective (making profit, fundraising, lobbying, etc.), a certain routine and schedule, and responsibilities towards others, without the emotional stake that a real job involves.

In opposition to real employment, jobby-holders truly care neither for the money they make nor their level of success. They know they need to be employed, in order to be accepted amongst their peers and in order to hold on to that trust fund, but they either haven’t really found what they really want to do, don’t want to risk it all doing it, are too lazy to try or have tried and failed. So they take on a jobby — a real job that they approach as if it were a hobby. Getting fired is either not a concern or not an option (Dad owns the company?).

Jobby-holders frequently chide others in the organization for their anal adherence to deadlines, their constant anxiety over the organization’s success, their concern when the paycheck comes in a few days late and their lack of ability to relax. When they have subordinates, they frequently prefer to engage them as their friend rather than their boss. They put most of their efforts into creating a fun, stress-free work environment for their peers and employees. They like being liked. Jobby-holders measure their success by how many smiles they put on people’s faces every day. Jobby-holders are fun people to know.

It’s commonly accepted that being completely dependent on someone or some thing is generally not a good thing. Certainly if you’ve ever been in a relationship where the other person was completely dependent on you, you’ve noticed a certain suffocating quality that prevented it from being… enjoyable, shall we say. Even codependent relationships, in which both parties’ lives revolve around each other, are far from healthy. No argument there. What I want to talk about is the commonly-prescribed path to avoiding this. I want to raise the possibility of an alternate, less-trodden path that may be a less-bumpy way to the same pinnacle.

We are commonly told that the way to have a healthy relationship and a healthy life is by reducing our dependence and thus becoming, well, independent. Let me posit that this might be asking way too much. Maybe, just maaaaaaaaaybe, every person has a certain dependence quotient built-in. It can change throughout a person’s life, but it sure ain’t easy. Moreover, maybe this dependence quotient is a good thing. Maybe this is what people mean when they say, "I have so much love to give." Maybe we shouldn’t strive at reducing the love we have to give, otherwise we will be loveless independent bastards. The kind who run companies like Enron.

Every one of us has heard the phrase, "don’t put all our eggs in one basket." The logic is unquestionable: basket drops, eggs break. No eggs, very sad. However, we certainly shouldn’t strive to have less eggs. That’s like throwing the basket ourselves. We should, instead, go get a few more baskets to divide the eggs into. Voila! From this old adage comes our solution. Let’s say dependency is like eggs. We shouldn’t be reducing our dependency. We should be dividing it.

Maybe we should strive to have as many dependencies as possible. Thus, if one dependency fails to deliver, we have a bunch of other ones to rely on. If you find your entire life revolving around one person, try taking up smoking. The twenty minutes a day you spend alone outside suffocating yourself will be a small price to pay for not relieving the suffocation your significant other has been feeling.

Other dependencies you may choose to adopt include caffeine; the internet, either surfing through random sites for hours at a time, obsessively checking one particular message board for new posts, or blogging your every random thought to the world; exercise; masturbation (may be linked with an internet dependency); or Scrabble tournaments. Of course, you should feel free to experiment.

The important thing to note is that, in order to reap the benefits of the  Multiple Dependencies Doctrine, you should choose your own dependencies, and not let the dependencies choose you. This way, you can avoid dependencies that may have unwanted side-effects. For example, developing a food dependency should only be attempted by those with very fast metabolisms, or those who choose to combine it with an exercise dependency.  Those who choose to mix an alcohol dependency with a jigsaw-puzzle dependency are in for a rude awakening. Choose your dependencies wisely.

So embrace your dependence. Enrich your dependence. Spread your dependence. Multiple dependencies equal a rich life, full of things to pour your passion and love into. Multiple dependencies mean you always have something to look forward to. If being dependent on one thing is like a destructive laser beam, having a variety of dependencies is like a rainbow of hope. Be that rainbow.